Much better today!!
Last night I took my melatonin and shut the lights at 10:30pm. I slept straight through till 2am. Was up about an hour and fell back asleep till 5. Then got another hour on the back end. Not bad!
And today was a doozy of a day! Kids in the AM, then meeting, spin, errands, 2-hour pole class, meeting, work, meeting! I’ve been drinking my juices, had a kale smoothie and munched on some sprouted trail mix and some olives this afternoon. I’ll have one more green juice later this evening on my date!
Yup, goin’ on another date. Gotta pick yourself back up and shake it off and move forward when you fall off the horse. I am trying on some different guys for size now: Men who have children, who know what it’s like to be a parent. Men who have no choice but to face their responsibilities and be held accountable for themselves and their actions. The last two men I dated had a lot of similarities in the way they conducted themselves. Don’t get me wrong, they were both lovely men, kind souls, sweet and caring, but there was a level of emotional unavailability that I don’t care to repeat. My mother put it very well and made me chuckle when she said, “What is it with these two? Do you see the similarities? It’s like they went to the same school!” When she’s not driving me crazy, she’s cracking me up! I am sure she says the same about me!!
Yesterday my therapist said something to me — he knew he was pushing my limits, but there was utter truth to his statement. “Well Arul, you are your daughter’s mother and your mother’s daughter.” I am still processing that one, but I know it is true. I need to pave the path myself first, whack those weeds down to create greater visibility for the true path to be seen, unencumbered for my daughter. She may choose a different path, but I can at least show her the way by my example, not just by my words.
This makes me think of a moment we shared together last summer. She was here at SanaVita making a poo in the bathroom and she thoughtfully asked me, “Mama? Who’s in charge here?” I looked at her and smiled as I realized the answer myself, as it still surprises me. I said, “Mama is, baby.” She looked at me, stone-faced for a moment and then rolled her eyes exclaiming, “No, no, no, no, no, mama. You are not understanding my question! I mean who’s in charge, of like EVERYTHING. Of what happens and all the people!?!?” I nodded and continued to smile and said, “I know baby, and that’s all mama. I am in charge of everything here at SanaVita and of what happens and of all the people.”
Then she smiled, so genuinely pleased and said, “WOW!! That’s soooo cool!”
It was my shining moment. All the work, sacrifice, worry. All the times they cried and begged me not to go to work and please stay with them, as I tried to explain that it is SanaVita that provides us with the money that we need to buy the apple juice and the My Little Ponies and the beyblades. It was all for this moment. To see the “click” behind my darling girls’ eyes, the pride that exuded from them, the realization that her mama was something bigger than just her mama. A strong mama who takes care of her and lots of other people too. That was an amazing moment for me. And I journey onward to further teach them, my darling babies, by example, to be the best you that you can be.
I am gonna be just fine!
Arul Goldman is the Founder and Director of SanaVita.