The next day I hit Danny’s Soul Survivor spin class and I hit it hard. Just before I went into my hour of worship, Arulian style, I texted Frenchie and told him that I was sorry but would not be able to meet with him as planned. I tried to explain that I felt uncomfortable and was not ready to just start having a sexual relationship with someone I didn’t even know. Yes, I know we were just kissing but we all know where that leads to and I’m just not up for it. And I felt really good about my choice. It would almost be easier to just ignore my mind and just go with what feels good. But I’ve been doing that most of my life and although it has brought me to a pretty magnificent place in the world, I haven’t been so lucky in my romantic life. And so I said “no thank you” to the drug and sweated my ass off in spin class instead.
After class I had a couple of texts from Frenchie and after a little back and forth agreed to meet for tea/coffee in an outdoor café. Although I was feeling slightly guarded, we did have a really nice rapport and I did end up letting my guard down and relaxing into it.
Of course, he still wanted to come over. I said goodbye and went home. And I ate. I ate a jar of trail mix. Avocados. Papayas. Almond butter and honey in a bowl. Anything and everything I could make a case for that was somewhat reasonable.
Later in the evening I touched base with my girlfriend who was PMSing. She finally got her period. I thought about the weekend and decided to count the days. It’s official. I am PMSing.
So, what does it all mean? I am validated. It all makes sense. But there’s more than just that. Something is really shifting in me. I am starting to see the patterns. And I am beginning to be accountable for my choices rather than just mindlessly fall into the traps of my momentary desires. I can see that I am uncomfortable in a situation and acknowledge why and make a choice from that place. And put myself and my well being first. And so I got triggered and I ate too much. But I didn’t drink. Or take a sleeping pill. Or have passionate casual sex with someone to take my mind off of a sadness in my heart. There was still the need to fill the void with something…trail mix! But it wasn’t immediate and it wasn’t a day’s worth and it wasn’t as harmful as another choice could have been.
This cleanse, although not perfect, has been perfectly perfect for me. I am learning a lot about myself. My coping mechanisms and how to adjust with surrendering, rather than self-beating. It’s like the day I got hit on my bike and went down. I saw it happening as everything slowed down and I had time to make a choice. And I choose to let it go. It was in that letting go that I saved myself from further injury.
I have one week left on this cleanse. Seven more glorious days. In these last seven days I will start to allow myself to transition back into a greater variety of foods while still drinking juices and smoothies. I will stick to raw and keep my portions smaller and more frequent. Although Wednesday, for Yom Kippur, I will fast on just juice and water.
And I will stay aware.
Arul Goldman is the Founder and Director of SanaVita.