Today started out really nicely. I had a great day planned. First I had a colonic (I did, btw, finally have a good BM this morning, but decided to top it off with a colonic, which ended up being VERY productive), spin, a quick meeting, then pole class. Then I picked up my kids from school and spent the rest of the day with them. I was looking forward to each part of this day! Although I really needed a little break from burning it at all ends, I’ve missed having my babies at home and was looking forward to getting back to our regular little routine.

I was particularly looking forward to pole class as well. I missed the last 2 weeks as I have been nursing a back injury that kept getting triggered. It was hard to tell if it was the spin or the pole or the yoga or all of it. I’ve been getting a lot of therapeutic massage and acupuncture in the last 2 weeks and took a little break from the pole and my back was feeling much better. I was feeling incredibly good AND sexy, especially after spin class and all the “releasing” I did this morning! Also, we had an assignment for class: we had to get dressed up, old-school gangsta style, like The Sopranos or The Godfather, but the sexy female version. I had picked a great song (Woke Up This Morning, Alabama 3) and a great outfit (including my son’s toy gun as a prop) and felt super ready to get down and dirty in dance class.

And so I had a great day. I made my smoothie to-go before running out and grabbed a loaded salad for later in the afternoon so I was well prepared nutritionally. I was feeling great.

But, I wasn’t prepared for what would actually happen at dance class. I went through the motions, I did the 2-hour workout, I climbed the pole and did all my fancy tricks flawlessly and I danced my dance. But NONE of it felt authentic. For some reason I wasn’t able to connect. I was blocked. Even though I felt hot and was totally prepared, nothing was coming naturally. And although I didn’t realize it until much later in the day, it made me feel really, really sad.

That sadness sat heavily on me all day. I couldn’t shake it and couldn’t understand it either. I thought maybe I’m over the dance class. Maybe it isn’t me but it’s this, that or the other thing.

Then after the kids’ soccer class I took them out to eat dinner at their favorite spot. Even though I was full from my late salad lunch, I ordered a glass of red wine. Something to ease the rough edges surrounding my aura. And I listened to the conversation as if I were a third person. “You shouldn’t. You MUSTN’T! You are on a cleanse! How DARE YOU” And the counterargument, “Fuck it. Who the fuck really cares anyway? What’s the big deal ??”

And while I vaguely listened to this conversation and helped my kids with their dinner (they still like me to help feed them at times) and helped them with their homework, I suddenly remembered something that was so significant, yet somehow I had completely brushed it away as though it hadn’t ever happened.

Last night I went to meet a friend for dinner over on 9th Avenue and when I got out of the taxi, I looked up and saw Gotham Pizza. I suddenly thought I was in the wrong place. I KNOW this place. This corner. This is SO FAMILIAR. Like I’ve been here at least a hundred and seven times before if not two hundred and seven times. I looked up at the cross street to confirm I was indeed on 9th Avenue downtown and not uptown on 1st Avenue. The same exact Gotham Pizzeria stands on the corner of my ex-boyfriend’s apartment. I’ve stepped out of a taxi with the same backdrop for nearly 2 years of my life. And suddenly, I had a pit in the bottom of my stomach and for a moment thought I may vomit. Without thinking, I took a picture and sent it to him in an email. (Thankfully, I deleted his number a while ago, but sadly, even the computer expert couldn’t find a way to permanently delete his email address from my phone’s memory. If only someone could delete the precious memories I hold onto in my heart). I gave him a brief description of what had just occurred and that although it’s been a year, it’s still hard.

And then, I stuffed it away and made very pleasant conversation over dinner. I went home, got into bed and when I woke up, set out on my very bright, shinny and jam-packed day, barely giving it a second thought.

Until the wine.

And then it all clicked. I am disconnected from the pain that I constantly try to ignore with my things, my kids, my classes and SanaVita. All of it.

So I drank the wine. It was two for one, so I had my glass filled again, but only took a few sips of the second glass. Because now I have greater clarity. I will never heal from a broken heart or a constipated colon or parasites, yeast or bacterias in my gut until I am willing to heal completely. Which means going thru the process. The uncomfortable parts are even more important. And that’s what cleansing is. It is a process that cannot be gone over or under or around. The only way through it is through it. And it isn’t always pretty and it’s certainly not perfect.

God bless the glass of wine.

Arul Goldman is the Founder and Director of SanaVita.